


Tamastuck

by RedSquirrel



Category: Homestuck, tamagotchi - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Fat - Freeform, Karkat Swearing, M/M, Swearing, Tamagotchi, Tentacle, Why Did I Write This?, abscond now, chumhandle talk, dave likes tamagotchis, first real fic, kill me now, never overfeed a tamagotchi, no, second fic, tamastuck, the rapist, what, what is this, why
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-01 11:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2771345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedSquirrel/pseuds/RedSquirrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave gets a tamagotchi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a normal day. Dave would have to deal with Bro's smuppet obsession, strifing, and... Ooh, an ironic present! Bro must have left it on his bed as a joke! But before he could do something even more ironic to annoy his guardian, he had to figure out what the fuck this was. 

It looked like a flat blue egg thing with a spot for the world's smallest batteries and a keychain. On the other side, it had an equally small screen and three tiny buttons. The screen had another egg on it, in the most ironic 8 bit way possible. Dave tentatively pressed a button and the thing asked for his username. The character space was too small to put his full chumhandle, so after a bit of messing around with the buttons, he put TG as his username. 

Next, it asked for the date. It was in European format, which presented its own set of confusing problems. Finally, it asked for his birthday. 3/6 was his hilariously false answer. After more button problems, the screen went back to the shitty 8 bit egg. That was it? 

Dave put the egg down by his computer and went on pesterchum.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]

TG:sup  
GT:hi dave!  
TG:do you know what the fuck this is?  
TG:imgur.com/hdksvd  
GT:idk  
GT:looks like an egg.  
TG:brb

The egg was beeping. The 8 bit screen showed the egg shaking and then disappearing. It was replaced by an alien looking thing that looked a bit like a worm. Another naming screen came up. After some more tributton bullshit, he named the thing Horny.

Or at least he tried. The worm thing suddenly deleted all the letters and replaced them with the phrase "FUCK YOU" and then "KARKAT". 

GT:i think i know what it is.  
TG:what?  
GT:a thing from the 90s.  
TG:i thought the lack of buttons made that obvious  
GT:its a virtual pet apparently.  
GT:a tamagotchi.  
GT:jade says yours is really rare!  
TG:fuck this  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT]

Apparently Karkat was male and 5 pounds. Also, in one screen, he said "FEED ME FUCKASS." Dave had no idea what to do with it, so he put the egg back in its spot by the computer and worked on his next SBaHJ comic.


	2. In Which Karkat Evolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat gets a computer and annoys everyone.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG:FEED ME.  
TG:what?  
CG:YOU HEARD ME.  
TG:no i didnt  
TG:i saw your message  
TG:theres a difference  
CG:FUCK YOU.  
CG:I'M ABOUT TO FUCKING DIE HERE AND YOU'RE JUST BEING AN ASSHOLE.  
CG:I SHOULD'VE EXPECTED THAT.  
CG:I FUCKING HATE YOU, TG.  
TG:haha  
TG:brb

Dave's dumb 8 bit alien was beeping again. Ironicly, it was hungry. Dave pressed the buttons required to feed it and checked its weight. 30 pounds. Was that normal?

CG:FINALLY.  
TG:what the fuck  
turntechGodhead [TG] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG]

This carcinoGeneticist guy somehow always knew what his tamagotchi wanted and "trolled" him about it in advance.

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG:hi dave!!!  
GG:how is karkat doing?  
TG:how do you know about karkat?  
GG:he trolls me sometimes!!!  
GG:usually to tell me what an "incompetent fuckass" i am!  
GG::P  
TG:how does an 8bit 90s thing troll you?  
GG:i do not know!  
GG:but he says some silly things sometimes!  
TG:wait  
TG:is it carcinogeneticist?  
GG:yes!  
TG:fuck that asshole

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

Dave was about to throw the alien out the window when a series of beeps interrupted him. The thing was no longer a space worm, it was a humanoid with a zillion teeth and short nubby horns.

CG:FINALLY.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad you liked it! Should anyone else get a trollmagotchi?


	3. Human Sarcasm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wanted more of this shenanigans, so you got more. This time, Rose is involved!

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TT:Hello.  
GA:What Is A Rapist?  
TT:A rapist is someone who makes people have sex.  
GA:What Is Sex?  
TT:Sex is a human thing.  
GA:Does It Have Any Practical Purpose?  
TT:No.  
GA:Oh.  
GA:Why Would A Rapist Be Named Tentacle?  
TT:Why would an auxiliatrix be grim?  
GA:I Don't Know.  
TT:It's seven.  
TT:Good night.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

Rose puts her green tamagotchi up on the shelf, smiling at her young troll.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT:Hello.  
TG:sup  
TT:Did your present arrive yet?  
TG:what present?  
TG:a stuffed cthulhu?  
TT:No.  
TT:I don't even know what a cthulhu is.  
TT:It's a thing that will take all of your time away.  
TG:like this shit bro got me?  
TG:imgur.com/hdisjw  
TT:Actually, that was the present.  
TT:Your brother was simply a pathway between your mailbox and your room.  
TG:fuck yeah  
TG:hes the most shitty pathway ever  
TT:Goodbye.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]


	4. In Which Vriska is Shipped With John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just read it XD

John was sick of carcinoGeneticist annoying him. It was funny at first, but it actually ended up being so annoying, a certain chumhandle had to change.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

EB:hi dave!  
EB:guess what?  
TG:i know  
TG:what the fuck is ectobiology?  
EB:haha  
EB:i don't really know   
EB:brb  
EB:i got mail

John walked downstairs and raced out the door. He pawed through the mail, checking for anything important. There was a box addressed to him. He put all the mail back and went back inside to rip the package open. It was a tamagotchi.

Thankfully, he had learned how they worked from Dave. He set the thing up and it was a girl, apparently. Her name was Vriska and she seemed to really like crying. Were tamagotchis always this high maintenance?

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

AG:Joooooooo  
AG:oooooooo  
AG:oooooooo  
AG:oooooooo  
AG:oooooooo  
AG:oooooooo  
AG:oooooooo  
AG:oooooooohn!!!!!!!!  
EB:hehe  
EB:you just typed my name in 64-bit!  
AG:Wow.  
AG:What a loser.  
AG:Anyway, I'm gonna mess with you soon, but before I do, I need you to feed me.  
EB:uh...  
EB:okay

EB:does your troll have a pesterchum?  
TG:oh god  
TG:did you get one?  
EB:yeah  
TG:and the cycle of stupidity continues


	5. Vriska Hates Jade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are my chapters long enough?

Jade woke up for the thousandth time that day. She didn't know why she suddenly had narcolepsy. Oh well. Her friend was pestering her again and she still wasn't really awake. If only she could answer her friends in her sleep somehow!

EB:jade!  
EB:are you awake yet?  
EB:oh, okay.  
EB:i'll wait!  
GG:hi john!   
GG:sorry i could not answer you!   
EB:it's okay.  
EB:anyway, i got a tamagotchi and i was wondering if you knew what kind it was?  
GG:you got one too? :(  
EB:what's wrong?  
GG:it seems like everyone but me got one!  
GG:and i think they are unique!  
EB:rose got one?  
GG:yeah!  
GG:anyway, i just wish i got one too!  
GG:and we could all be trolled by something that should not even have an account!  
EB:it's okay!  
EB:mine is kind of a bitch, anyway!  
EB:jade?  
EB:well, i gotta go!  
EB:vriska's um...  
EB:i don't even know what she's doing.

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

Your name is Jade Harley and you are playing a game that caused the apocalypse with three of your friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, in this au, sburb is just a dream. :p It has no relevance to the plot. At all.


End file.
